A state where all hope is lost or absent.
It hurts me bad to think about anyone who has lost hope. I will rush to anyone who needs it and I will find a way to secure hope inside anyone. I mean anyone. So to me even though Jeff hurt me bad, I remember as soon as I was able to talk or breath the first thing I said was, I told you about these people Look what you just did!!! Look what you just did. He said, I don't want you telling anyone about this as he left to go stand in the parking garage and talk to Bill gorhl about what kind of swag they got when they joined the Porsche club. When I got to the garage I was shaky and really in shock physically because I know I had a hard time just standing there listening to that and Dean put me in his car.i sat in his car waiting for awhile.
Dean had come in the bathroom where Jeff had raped me. He came in and he knew right away that I had been raped. He tried to help me clean up. I had snot everywhere. I could not get up for a few minutes. He put cold water on me. My collarbone hurt so bad. It was blinding pain in my collarbone and it would not stop. It was the worst pain I had ever had in my life. Maybe my dad was extremely violent but it wasn't the same. It wasn't like the pain fighting to the death with my stepbrother. It was the only way I could grasp it while it was happening, I thought about playing with my brother and everyone jumping on top of me and the second I thought I would die because they weren't getting off me and I couldn't breath. I'd never broken a bone before. Never. I'd never had a bone bruised. To this day twenty five years later I have a permanent spot on my chest from that day. It's where blood vessels were crushed around the bone on my ribs. It looks like a dent.
That day when Jeff came in the bathroom, he scared me when he came in and he kisses me. Hard and fast and before I could comprehend what was happening he had me in some kind of a hold, I couldn't move at all. I remember that my upper chest by my collarbone burned so bad. It was bad pain and I couldn't understand what it meant. It hurt so bad that I didn't struggle because that made it worse. I also could not breath. I felt as if I was in some sort of dark tunnel where it was only me no one else. I was in there alone and I could not breath or move. I would try to get out but I kept hearing myself and I couldn't grasp what was happening. I just knew I coulnt stand the pain in my chest and then it got worse.
I don't know how many people who read this have ever been kept from breathing. You go insane instantly, you want to breath so bad and at the same time you are aware that your going to die. I was aware that I was going to die because I could not breath. I left my body, went over by the towel bar, and saw what was happening. Jeff had me pinned up against the vanity, his leg around my legs and he had both of his arms locked around me with my mouth in his arm somehow. It was like a python. You could only see parts of me. He was having sex with me. I could not breath move or see from the tunnel. Couldn't see anything and I could from the towel bar. I left my body and I was watching him rape me. He was done and he let go. My chest stayed on fire. It hurt bad I had snot everywhere and I was not sure what was happening. When I could speak I said look what you did Jeff look what you just did. He took time to clean himself and I made small talk telling him to make sure to put Neosporin on his cut o. His stomach. I know now I talked like that because I was scared to death.
My chest just kept on burning and I swear it was the worst and longest pain I ever had. Physically not emotionally.
The guy came in and he helped me gather my stuff was trying to give me twenty bucks and have me drive home. I told him I couldn't drive.i had gone to my car I think and then got out saying I'm not ok. I'm not ok. That's a little foggy right now. I need a break. I will stop here and say that when I told John bash and the NSA guys about this, the marks were visible on me. It was clear to them I had been raped. I believe it was recorded. Might have been saved. I do remember also that John bash had me make a statement saying that I would not come back and sue the government for this. I had to say it into a tape recorder. John bash looked at me with such disgust , almost hatred that I never ever forgot that. I never could forget how much John bash disliked me. He showed open repulsion and disdain for me, he expressed irritation to the point I thought he might strike me. I spoke uo and told him I thought he was a bad guy, that he didn't give a damn about national security and that he was a traitor in my opinion. To this day John bash is one of the meanest people I have ever met. Better than human. No empathy, no understanding, no kindness, no attempt at all to conceal his contempt for me or the situation. Not a warm bone in his body.
Such a bad experience I told a judge about it in 2004 during my disability hearing. I told him in open court that I was raped by Jeff and that my country covered it up, didn't do right by me. Told him that I had an attorney and I said her name. John bashs name, Jeff epsteins name, the NSA, all of it. There was a court reporter in the court that day and in the judges Chambers. The judge brought me in Chambers and asked me about thirty five questions yes or no. Told me to just tell the truth.
Left them as instructions on the end of my social security hearing transcript. Left instructions he said anyone could read, that I was to go to a special master who would clear my record and give me a settlement. Made my attorney promise to do this.
She did not. I sustained a head injury patterned retrograde amnesia list traumatic amnesia fromwhich I am still recovering, I had fourteen years if medical records when I got my disability, ten of those my rape by Jeff Epstein and subsequent encounter with John bash are listed in my treatment records in detail.
I just remembered the judge in March of 2019. Covid was in play and I still have not been able to identify the judge. Social security is supposed to retrieve my records from Baltimore and review the transcript. I need to see the judge again. He's the only one who understands.
What I did not mention, because I'm backwards a little is that the federal appellate judge discovered a mistake had been made by the judge in my case,and that I never should have been sent to prison as a felon at 17. It was a bad mistake he said. I did 11 months. Then was raped by two deputies from the jail, one if whom picked me up from prison and tookr to a motel immediately. He was married he got caught they lost their badges. The rapes they committed were neverending I was not well. My apartment was trashed they showed up whenever they wanted. I was in bad shape. I began to escape to the clubs and was using drugs . I was on parole when I met jeff.my late officer loved me didn't want me to go back to prison.She made a deal for me, I had information that had national security implications, she used that information to get the judge to send me to treatment instead. It's documented. John bash signed off on it. There is a record of this.
I am trying like hell to either get to the judge or get to that transcript before it's to late. Pandemic is working against me.
I can't seem to reach anyone who can help me, and it's so long of a story. All I know is that if I don't that the collateral consequences are going to crush me just like Jeff did a those years ago. I feel like the weight of this is physically crushing me. Seeing all these liars steal and cheat. It's almost to much. It feels like I am being crushed. This space here is where I am going to be heard, where I tell the truth and hopefully I escape this mess to finally begin my life.
If you read this and can't feel my desperation for the truth to be told, then please do t comment. I'm not here to defend myself I'm hear to release the pressure I feel since the vcf. It's intense.
Thank you substack for this space.